Is silence really golden?

It happened again the other week. “It” being that I was listening to one Absolute station and a song that makes me ugly cry and have an existential crisis came on, so I turned over to the other Absolute radio station I listen to, got back in to bed, pulled the duvet up and lied down, only for another song that makes me ugly cry and have an existential crisis to come on just seconds after the duvet was up to my neck.

It might have been The Living Years on Absolute 80s, then Johnny Cash’s version of Hurt, or the other way around. It’s usually them by themselves that prompt one switch over. Sometimes it’s Queen The Show Must Go On, or Queen’s Who Wants To Live Forever, but this was the second time it happened with two of them on within minutes of each other on their respective stations, and last time I turned to Radio City, which was a risk too because the first time I turned to Radio City after The Living Years came on Absolute 80s, Heroes by Alesso came on within minutes of tuning in. That was played at my friend’s funeral, it too makes me ugly cry and have an existential crisis…

And last time I listened to Radio City as my third option, I spent about half an hour listening to the songs that were big when I was in my teenage years, in a time slot being called “retro hour”.

I didn’t want to repeat either of those things, so I turned my radio off completely.

I hardly ever turn my radio off completely. It is a real physical faff to turn my radio off completely so even if I’m in bed watching trash television (Kitchen Nightmares), the radio will be on and I’ll block it out with Gordon Ramsay’s swearing. I’ve almost always had radio, or music, on in the background. I usually struggle without it. I’ve done coursework with songs on repeat, been seriously ill with radio 4 helping me cling on as the hours pass by. I even heard an interview with Ceelo Green through the hospital’s bedside radio whilst I had an unpleasant procedure done because silence would have been worse. I haven’t slept without music/radio unless I have absolutely had no choice to, since I was 8, when I was given a digital radio alarm.

The only non unavoidable time I’ve chosen to turn my radio off is when I’ve listened to an audiobook.

I even went the entire time I was at uni the first time, without live television, and was just happy with the radio. People really think (or at least used to, I don’t know anymore, nobody shares their opinions with me…) I would struggle without a television, but as long as I had a radio, I would be fine. I was fine!

It took me ten days this time to put it back on. It’s been almost silent in my room for all this time, and I haven’t cared. No news, no hourly update helping me keep track of the time, no Bush and Richie to distract me from whatever I’m doing. Nothing.

I’m lying here again, right now, in almost silence, and I’m just not bothered.

I’m not sure what this means. It doesn’t feel good?

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